Most people entering into a marriage covenant don't really understand the vulnerability of the position that they are placing themselves in.
And most people who have been married for more than a decade don't think about how delicate and fragile their arrangement actually is.
No one wants to think about how the things that they love the most, and the things they have worked the hardest to create, are all tangled in the fingers of the full-of-agency human being they married, who could make a decision at any moment that could swipe it all away from them.
When divorce visits you in your own marriage, all these things you never wanted to think about become guests not only in your thoughts, but in your day-in-day-out reality.
And there are dark times when you wonder how an arrangement with the potential to bring such pain and devastation could really be part of a plan set out by a perfect and loving Father.
The last three years of my sixteen year marriage were devastating. The lengths that I went to to try to save my family from becoming another divorce statistic were traumatic and exhausting. I often felt small, unnoticed, inadequate, and very, very lonely. Aside from my relationships with my kids and close family members, the next bright spot in my life was my calling to work with the Young Women of my ward. The girls that I taught in our Beehive class were truly lovely in every way. In our class, we laughed, we cried, and we really grew, as we opened ourselves up to each other and to the Spirit. I loved each one of those girls as a sister, and felt in awe of the opportunity that I had to lead them in their spiritual and personal growth. Their lives seemed to be like the Anne of Green Gables idea of tomorrow:
With all the disappointment in my life, and the mistakes I was afraid I had made, more than anything I wanted something better and more beautiful for these girls of mine.
Well in the Young Women's organization there are plenty of opportunities to teach the doctrine of the family. As these opportunities came around, I struggled to reconcile my life experience with the fragrant ideals that I was expected to teach. Hadn't I once been in their chairs, and had these same lessons taught to me? Hadn't I done my very best to live by these principles? And what happiness had it brought me?
Fortunately I took my burden to the Lord, and let faith guide my sad feet as I struggled to prepare a lesson that I could deliver honestly to my girls. My shuffle of faith was rewarded with messages like this:
And like this:
The honest truth of the situation is that miraculous inspiration and gifts of the Spirit came to me as I prepared for these lessons on the doctrine of the family. My broken little spirit was renewed and my confidence with the Lord was restored as I felt the honest goodness of the ideals I would teach my Beehive class. I felt my testimony swell within me as the Spirit witnessed to me that my efforts were not unnoticed by my Father.
My struggle was not invisible to Him.
He would be there to support me as I continued to walk by faith.
My sorrow was not because of covenants made, it was because of covenants broken.
Living in support of the doctrine of the family would continue to be my life's mission.
And so despite my personal understanding of how fragile promises can be, I still believe in marriage. I believe that marriage is a gift that can have eternal glory added to it if we are willing to dig in and learn what it can teach us about the love of God and the exultant ecstasies, privileges, and responsibilities that are our right as God's children.
