I wonder, honestly, if I will ever get to a point where I can read about what causes marriages to fail, and not launch into a self-examination of my role in the failure of my marriage. The compulsion to accept blame and assign responsibility is remarkably powerful.
I can see how the compulsion has changed in some regards though. It used to be driven by the resolve to fix things. I felt like if I could find the fault in myself, and weed it out, then perhaps I could keep the disaster from happening.
If I could be the problem, then I could fix it! The desire to fix it had my self-examination motor running to the point that I was stripped entirely of any sense of efficacy or confidence. I couldn’t even tell you the contents of my own mind, I was so insecure and full of self-doubt.
I’ve grown significantly since those days- thanks be to the heavens and to fabulous therapy- and I have become very comfortable letting go of pointing fingers of blame, and moving forward, even if I don’t have perfect answers about what happened.
As I look at moving forward though, I do worry about so many of the interactions that Dr. Gottman described in his book.
Dr. Gottman says that he can predict divorce with 91% accuracy by listening to and watching the way a couple interacts for as little as 5 minutes! He says he predicts the breakup of these marriages by looking for six signs: 1. the harsh set up, 2. the four horsemen (criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling), 3. flooding, 4. body language, 5. failed repair attempts, and 6.) bad memories.
The negativity that ate up my relationship is no where present in my current relationship, but my new relationship is very, very new. :) It's like a perfectly beautiful and innocent little baby. The idea of this baby growing up to become something as ugly as my 16 year marriage became because of things like criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling is a terrifying thought.
And so the self examination begins again. What did my actions do to contribute to the atmosphere of negativity that developed in my marriage? And how can I make sure that never ever happens again?
The real answer is that I can't.
I can't control the future. I can't control other people's choices. Strangely enough, trusting enough to make another attempt at love might have more to do with trusting myself than it does with trusting the man I'm involved with!
And you know what... I'm up for it! I'm not perfect. And I know I don't always do things right. But I'm good at loving. I've learned to be good at hope. And I've discovered that there is depth to my faith that makes me strong. I trust me to love him with everything I've got. I trust me to work with him to resolve the stuff that will come up. I trust that there will be help when I need it. And I trust that that's enough.
Dr. Gottman says that he can predict divorce with 91% accuracy by listening to and watching the way a couple interacts for as little as 5 minutes! He says he predicts the breakup of these marriages by looking for six signs: 1. the harsh set up, 2. the four horsemen (criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling), 3. flooding, 4. body language, 5. failed repair attempts, and 6.) bad memories.
And so the self examination begins again. What did my actions do to contribute to the atmosphere of negativity that developed in my marriage? And how can I make sure that never ever happens again?
The real answer is that I can't.
I can't control the future. I can't control other people's choices. Strangely enough, trusting enough to make another attempt at love might have more to do with trusting myself than it does with trusting the man I'm involved with!
And you know what... I'm up for it! I'm not perfect. And I know I don't always do things right. But I'm good at loving. I've learned to be good at hope. And I've discovered that there is depth to my faith that makes me strong. I trust me to love him with everything I've got. I trust me to work with him to resolve the stuff that will come up. I trust that there will be help when I need it. And I trust that that's enough.
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