New Eyes

I had a struggle the last few weeks with portions of the reading material in class. And this struggle is really interesting to me because it is evidence of how I have been changed because of my experiences in an abusive marriage. None of the others in my group read the material the same way that I did, even though they were generous as they tried to understand the points that I brought up.

I can see how my reading of the material was 'extreme', and I know that before my experiences, I never would have read into the material the things that I do now. But even though part of me feels like I should discredit my reaction, a bigger newer part of me believes that my reading is extra valuable. I've paid a dear price for these new eyes of mine, and I believe that they enable me to see a deeper truth. I think the flaws that I see in Dr. Goddard's counsel are real, even if most people can afford to overlook them. I know he says  in the book that this counsel is not for abusive relationships, but even in a non abusive relationship, I don't see following his advice to the letter as building the healthiest relationships.

Overall, I’ve learned quite a lot from previous chapters from Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage, but the last two weeks there have been a number of passages that I underlined not because I felt that they were inspirational, but because they upset me so much!  My blog post last week was about co-dependency because I felt like that was the perspective that was missing from the reading that we did. Perpetual forgiveness of grievous wrongs isn’t healthy for anyone. Constantly ignoring problems in a relationship doesn’t really make anyone happier. The reading from Goddard seemed to assume that every problem was not just a solvable problem, but an inconsequential problem. That was upsetting to me. It concerns me that anyone who really needed help with serious issues would be driven deeper into themselves, and deeper into the dysfunction of their relationship.

Last week the line that most upset me was, “acceptance may be more important than change in strong marriages.” It reminds me of a line my husband threw at me when I told him I was upset with the inappropriate messages he was sending to female co-workers. He said, “It’s only a problem because you are making it a problem!” I wonder  how much unrighteousness and unkindness one is expected to just accept, and just how exactly he defines a marriage as ‘strong’?

Another line that bothered me was, “In fact, anytime we feel irritated with our spouses, that irritation is not an opportunity to call our spouses to repentance, but an invitation to call ourselves to repent. We are irritated because of our own lack of faith and humility.” I don’t like the way this teaches people to ignore their intuition, blame themselves, and dismiss their feelings.

I think what this has taught me is the danger of relying on self-help books. While some people may need to hear this counsel because they tend to be bothered by insignificant things, other people will hear that counsel who have been accepting things that they shouldn’t have, and feel ashamed of the feelings they have had to speak up for themselves and their children. A counselor can act as an objective guide and help you see your blind spots and point out opportunities for greater self-compassion.

This week’s reading had me much more concerned. I have a very big concern with the suggestion that we can be saviors to our partners. Dr. Goddard said, “Then consecration moves us from acceptance to using our spiritual energy to rescue our imperfect partners.” This perspective seems way off base to me. If we presume to have the spiritual energy to save our partners, we are putting ourselves in a position that eclipses their actual Savior.

He continues to encourage people to compare their role in their marriage to that of the Savior in ways that can lead people down spiritually damaging paths, but the statement that really made me angry was this, “While some may argue that they do not care to sealed eternally to the spiritual pygmies that are their partners, those who understand the things of God know that their imperfect partners will one day be made glorious. One day we may feel honored to have known the people that we now disdain.” I’m really not sure how that would work. I’m not sure what part of the plan of salvation says, you don’t actually reap what you sew, or, this life isn’t really about working out your personal salvation. I don’t know where in the gospel we learn that we will be made to be like our Father in Heaven against our will and contrary to the choices we make in this life. I don’t understand how this perspective could be presented as truth.

I really feel like the flaws in this material, without being addressed in a proactive way, bring it up short as course material for people who are expected to go forth to help encourage healthy attitudes and relationships.